How to start a conversation when you don't know how to start

Most conversations that never happen fail at the first line. Not because the person was unwilling, but because there was no obvious way in. So here are the ways in.

Six openers that work

• "I don't really know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it:"
• "Can I think out loud for a minute? I don't need advice."
• "Something's been bothering me for weeks and I haven't told anyone."
• "This is going to sound small but it's not small to me."
• "I'm not okay and I'm tired of pretending I am."
• "I just need someone to read this. That's it."

Why they work

Each one names the awkwardness instead of pretending it is not there. Each one tells the other person what you need, so they do not have to guess. And each one takes less than ten seconds to type, which is shorter than the time it takes for doubt to kick in.

Use anonymity as training wheels

If saying these to someone you know feels impossible, say them to someone you do not know first. An anonymous chat is a low-stakes rehearsal: same words, none of the consequences. Once you have heard yourself say the sentence out loud, the second time is easier.

Then stop

After the opener, resist the urge to explain, soften or apologise. Let the other person respond. The hard part is done.